Dynamic Love
Partnering in the 21st Century
Love Grows Up
We used to think love was ruled by feelings. Either you felt it or you didn’t. The danger in this line of thinking in intimate relationships is that when those thrill of love feelings went away, we wondered if it was time to move on. And sometimes, almost as a way to soften the blow we hear the dreaded: I love you, but I’m not in love with you? What the hell does that really mean anyway?
Sometimes people erroneously believe that the initial rush of new love is true love.
So often I hear couples express the fear that they think they may have fallen out of love. As the rush fades, we can all begin to question our connection. The longing to recapture love’s first blush can reek havoc with marriages and long-term relationships. The truth is that as love develops, people can create an even deeper connection which supports their growth and transformation in much more powerful ways than ever imagined. Dynamic Love. 21st Century Love.
Have you ever noticed how sometimes your feelings for your partner are pretty intense, and at other times not so much? If we no longer feel passionate sparks for or from our partner, does that mean something is wrong? What does a developing love look like? What is natural, and how do we know when it’s time to move on?
There are stages of love couples go through, each offering delightful gifts as well as glaring blind spots.
Let’s take a peak behind the curtain and take a look at love’s stages and phases.
In the Beginning …
When you are in the initial throws of love, sparks fly. New love can burst onto the scene like a lightning bolt. Seemingly out of nowhere, the excitement of love can breathe new life into your soul. Like that magical, happy ever after kiss, we of a certain age have sighed over in fairy tales, love’s kiss has the power to awaken us from our singlehood slumber. Love’s mystery and magic touches a deep yearning that can turn our world upside down.
Chemically speaking new love lights up dopamine receptors. Dopamine is the feel good chemical. It creates the “high” which is at the root of many addictions. When our dopamine levels are high, it feels like we are on top of the world. Our invincibility radiates out into the world like a burst of sunshine, casting its light on everything we see.
Ah, sweet new love. The challenge is our system is not equipped to sustain that BIG RUSH of chemicals forever. The high doesn’t last, or at the very least, it settles in so that we can focus on other things. Some of us erroneously believe that when the rush begins to fade, maybe it is time to move on. How many of us have known people whose relationships never quite lasted past the initial courtship phase?
Like any addiction, the endless pursuit of the rush of new love, can cause us to do things that put other areas of our life in jeopardy. The desire for the “rush” can cause people to jump from relationship to relationship. It can also be at the root of the breakup and makeup cycle so many couples experience. The intensity of this chemical surge can be pretty difficult to match.
Love in Bloom
Getting through the stage after the initial offers an opportunity to sink into a new level of comfort, safety and trust. For couples who are willing to be present, and commit to themselves and their partner, transitioning from new love into blooming love can be a deepening experience. The good news is, as love develops, there are beautiful things which can light up our world in other ways. So how do we love well, and better understand and embrace the benefits of a developing love?
Love either shrinks or grows in direct proportion to the energy we put into it.
While the initial throws of love can be more chemically induced, growing love, like tending a garden, requires committed attention and action. If a gardener only took care of his garden when he felt like it, his plants would not bloom to capacity, and most just may wither and die.
Love in Bloom is not just a feeling, it is a choice. We choose in each moment how we are going to show up for those we love. Love either shrinks or grows in direct proportion to the energy we put into it. What we do and say to the people we love, as well as what we say to others about our beloved, and even the thoughts we think about him or her matter.
The Neurobiology of Love & Connection
Have you ever had a day when something about your partner irritated you so much that even after immersing yourself into a full day of activity, you just can’t seem to shake it off? Has your partner ever come home after you have been having those frustrating thoughts and let you know that they felt “off” all day? No matter how hard they tried, they weren’t able to shake the feeling, and they weren’t sure why?
There have been some interesting discoveries undertaken by neurobiologists regarding relational connection. What we are discovering about the neurobiology of love is that being intimately connected to someone, child, parent, partner, impacts us not just on an emotional and psychological, but on a cellular level. Pretty interesting stuff. Dr. Dan Siegel refers to this as our interpersonal neurobiology. He posits that in addition to the energy within each individual that there is also an energetic connection between people that impacts our cellular growth, development and transformation. This explains how we can “feel felt” by someone else, even without them saying a word.
In essence, what you think about matters and has the ability to either enhance or detract from someone else’s growth and overall feelings of contentment, and happiness. We definitely can inspire each other. I see it in my couples all the time. How you talk to your partner (and yourself) out loud and inside your head matters.
We are just beginning to scratch the surface on the impact of our state of mind on those around us. (For a simple specific example, you can refer to a previous post entitled What I learned about Love from a 7th Grade Science Project.)
Studies have been done on the impact of our thoughts on water, thank you Masuru Emoto. Viewing water under a microscope he discovered that positive and negative words actually change the molecular structure of water drops. Positive thoughts and words enhance growth. Negative thoughts and words detract from growth. With our bodies being comprised of 55 to 60% water, can you imagine the potential ramifications of our thoughts and words on ourselves as well as those we love? The possibilities are staggering.
To be with, care for, and stand by another is a sacred gift. Committed Love has the power to heal, transform and deepen our engagement with life.
Love plumbs the depth of the heart, touching whatever is residing and hiding there. You cannot love deeply without excavating the joy and woundings residing there. Love protects. Love awakens. Love enlivens. Love heals. Love taps into the essence of your longings for life itself.
To sustain long-term love and commitment, it is essential for couples to engage in Courageous Conversations about their shifting wants, needs, and desires.
Love and Longing
The longing for the thrill of Paris in the Springtime type love conjures up can be overpowering. When this type of connection becomes our image of love, it can launch us into a never ending search for the ideal lover who can spark the euphoric feelings of new connection. Like an addict in search of the next thrill, the craving for newer and better, can cause us to miss out on the gifts that a developing love offers.
Time and time again I have seen the craving for springtime love become a catalyst for discontent, breakups and affairs. Often people mistake their emerging craving for intensity and newness as a sign their relationship is in trouble. When we dig deeper, often the discovery at the heart of the matter is a desire for lost youth and vitality on the part of one or both partners. Couples often tell me they long to recapture something they feel they have lost.
After you have been with someone for a while you can grow very comfortable, which creates greater safety. Nice in one respect. Challenging in another.
So, What Happens?
Like a soft, well-worn blanket, a long-term relationship can wrap us in comfort. Too much comfort stifles growth. Too little, fosters instability. The human psyche craves newness as well as comfort.
If a couple doesn’t talk about what they are noticing; what they are craving more of, or less of, what they are curious about, they miss out on the opportunity for the creation of even deeper connection, encouragement, and support.
Developing love has the power to heal, transform and deepen the connection to our lover, ourselves and to the Divine nature of life itself.
Coupling as we Grow Up
Once a couple has moved past the child rearing stage, or decided raising kids isn’t their relational destiny, choices in what is needed in a partner begin to shift. For singles, an exhaustive search for “the one” can shift into a deeper dive into living into life purpose. For couples this can be a time of searching for deeper meaning and identity that may have been swallowed up with kids, and building financial stability.
How do we stay connected as we engage in deeper self / purposeful discovery?
Engagement as a couple can become more dynamic when partners can bring a renewed curiosity and passion into their partnerships. We are no longer content with just getting along. We long to have an impact; to make a difference. This is particularly true after the kids begin moving into their own independence, freeing up more time, especially for the parent who was more kid focused in household’s with children. For childless couples this can become the norm at earlier stages.
We have entered the age of the entrepreneur. More and more women are starting businesses than ever before, highlighting a deep need to be seen, heard and contribute to building something outside the family. We are also seeing Mompreneur’s bursting onto the scene as more and more women are attempting to balance child rearing and business building. Social Media has widened our reach and given us global access to information that makes community building more attainable at any stage of life.
Whether you work for a company, or work for yourself, there is a longing to make an impact. This desire not only impacts us as individuals, it impacts how we partner as well.
The dilemma for couples is how to transform their relationship in ways that honor each person’s needs to be seen, respected, listened to, and loved, as well as inspire growth.
Talking about new desires and areas of discontent, isn’t necessarily easy. Our relational patterns become strongly engrained over time.
Like well-worn groves, these patterns can become ruts which are difficult to climb out of. While part of us appreciates the comfort of the familiar, another part craves the excitement of change.
Engaging in something novel increases endorphins, stimulates growth, and helps us feel alive! The challenge is that change disturbs the adaptation patterns a couple has developed over time. When one person begins to change, the entire system is shaken up. And this can be scary.
Developmental Correlation
There is a phase in the life of a child, which occurs at about 18 months of age, called rapprochement. The hallmark of this phase is a strong desire to explore the outside world. In order to feel safe in her explorations, the child needs to know that the one she loves is still there. She needs to feel safe enough to risk the perils of discovering the unknown.
If you observe a child during this stage, you will notice a periodic glancing back to make sure her guardian is still there. It is the guardian’s job to hold the space for the child’s exploration, functioning as a stable foundation for discovery.
This phase surfaces strongly again during adolescence. And, I believe it is also foundational in successful coupling. Whether building an initial business, or explorations during later life stages, Dynamic Coupling involves holding the space for a partner’s growth and discovery.
Dynamic Love says, “I believe in you. I am here for you. Believe in yourself. Remember to Breathe. Dive in. Take that risk. You can do it! I am curious about your longings. I am here to witness your discoveries. I am patient. I am your shelter from the storms.”
Independence and connection. Both are keys to learning, healing, transformation, and Dynamic Coupling.
Doesn’t sound terribly difficult on the surface. So, what gets in the way?
A Misinterpretation of Reality
It is an oft avoidable tragedy to see couples misinterpret their need for discovery as a sign that their relationship isn’t working, rather than understanding it as a natural phase in the evolution of a couple. Rather than turning toward their partner to work through the challenges of emerging differentiation (establishing a more independent sense of self) many people turn away, and miss an opportunity for deepening connection. This is a time when individuals are more susceptible to seeking comfort outside their relationship, often resulting in a pulling away from their partner. Partner withdrawal can trigger feelings of abandonment and loss. Change can be scary. Admitting discontent and longing can be even scarier.
The signs of discontent can show up subtly. Spending more time at work, drinking a little more than usual, arguing more and more over the “little things”, noticing all the things your partner is doing “wrong”, blaming your partner for your feelings of discontent, or a lack of desire for intimacy or all signs that something deeper is stirring.
Special Note to Women
If you find yourself engaging in frequent negative conversations about your partner, both in your internal dialog (notice your automatic thoughts), and with your girlfriends, it is a sign that there is something you are not communicating. When you keep your longings inside you run the risk deepening your discontent.
A woman’s silence is deadly. Unresolved silence results in her shrinking, leaving, or both. Often once a woman leaves, she doesn’t return. When she has silenced her voice for too long, she becomes depleted, leaving her with nothing left to give.
The Danger of Doing Nothing
If left unattended, relational discontent is fertile soil for an affair, breakup or request for a divorce. 75% of people who get divorced, without making the effort to work on their relationship, regret their decision. Working with a skilled couples coach, attending a couples retreat, setting up a time to have an authentic conversation are some ideas of things you can do to open dialog. Read a good couples book. The 5 Love Languages is hugely popular. David Richo’s: How to be an Adult in Relationships — The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, offers a deeper dive into the process of creating a more intentional relationship. It looks like 5 must be the magic number!
Courageous Conversations
It takes great courage to have an authentic conversation when you are feeling discontent, doubtful, or craving something new. By choosing not engaging in this conversation, you are denying yourself, your partner, and your relationship, the opportunity to be grow new neuronal connections of possibility!
Willingness is the first step in moving towards your partner and engaging in the rediscovery process. So many couples do not successfully transition into maturing love. Rather than seeing this stage as offering the opportunity for deeper relational engagement, couples mistakenly see it as a sign that they have failed, fallen out of love, or need to a new solo engagement.
The truth is, we all need to engage in newness from time to time. And there are certain life phases which intensify this need. The need for discovery is a critical developmental need that creates aliveness. This need can cause us to toss off the comfy cloak of protection, increasing our susceptibility to outside influences. This is especially true when this emerging desire triggers uncertainty within our primary partnerships.
When rather than interpreting the need for adventure as an indication something is wrong within a primary relationship, couples can encourage dialog and exploration, this can open up rich dialog leading to the cultivation of an even more fulfilling love.
The Delights of Long-Term Committed Love
Long-term love offers a powerful framework from which a couple can grow, heal and transform. A well-seasoned love honors commitment, and authenticity. It is fluid, and like a river flows over and around the rocks and stones encountered along the way. It honors both similarities and differences, recognizing the gift in each. A long-term committed love offers greater trust and stability, which is fertile soil for each individual to take risks, reinvent themselves, and more fully live into their dreams. This type of love welcomes new discoveries. It holds the space for each partners to transform, heal, and move in the world in new ways as individuals and as a couple.
A well-seasoned love embraces the unknown, recovers from most upset without devastation, and trusts in the inherent gifts the relationship brings. People in a well-seasoned love make a habit of offering forgiveness to themselves and each other. They practice gratitude and kindness to each other and to the world at-large. They operate from the premise that love is precious and worthy of attention and respect.
Life doesn’t come wrapped in a neat little box. Nor does loving. To live and love well calls us forth to continually strive to offer our best selves, in faith, humility, courage, trust, vulnerability, and forgiveness.
Love is not just a feeling. Love is a powerful change agent. Loving is a commitment we make to stand side by side with someone, through the beautiful times, as well as the challenging times. It take courage and commitment to love well.
Learn to trust that you are enough. Trust that your partner is enough. Good enough. Smart enough. Courageous enough to show up. Even in the face of fear, love anyway. Good loving is a choice. It requires an active commitment to growth and a willingness to practice loving daily.
To love someone, and to allow ourselves to be loved, is a sacred engagement, calling us forth from the depth of our soul.
Loving well is a journey embarked upon between two souls who have chosen to open their hearts to each other, and uncover the riches diving into the unknown together can bring.
Loving is the most exquisite gift we are given on this earth. Treasure it. Bless it. Treat it kindly.
Love deeply. Love passionately. Love deliciously. Dare to love and be loved. Well.
